Thoughts about yesterday

Lilith has been dead for 24 hours, and I'm actually feeling pretty peaceful about the situation. I kind of wish I'd bought some more kleenex yesterday on the way back from the vet, but toilet paper is working just fine. Anyway, although I woke up to an empty doggie bed, didn't have to step gingerly over Lilith en route to the bathroom, and didn't have a dog to kiss awake and take outside for a morning pee, I also didn't have a dog to worry about when she was peeing in case she couldn't support herself with her rear legs. I didn't have a dog to medicate, and I didn't have a dog to watch hobble with difficulty until that medication kicked in and she was able to walk somewhat normally again. I think I did the right thing for Lilith. I loved her so much, and will miss her, but I was able to make it stop hurting for her, and I was brave enough to hold her until the end.

It was hard to watch them put the IV into her leg because she got scared, but I held her in my arms and she was fairly calm and serene when she died. I had done a lot of research on aftercare (like cremation options and the like) so I was prepared for those questions when I was asked, but I wasn't prepared for the IV. I thought it would just be a needle, but the procedure itself caused Lilith stress, and that, in turn, caused me stress. The vet was wonderful, as usual; he even patiently rebandaged her leg after I insisted on taking the IV catheter out (as if it was bothering Lilith or something), and picked her up so gently to take her away. The only thing I would have changed about the experience was the payment method. I wish I'd been able to prepay. It was not fun having people with their dogs in the waiting room while I had to stand there sniffling and trying to sign my name legibly to the credit card slip. I would have liked to just leave afterwards. However, all in all, I think it was the right thing to do, and I'm thankful that I had friends there to support me through the experience.


We went for some soul food after we left the vet's office, and we sat in a park for a little while. After I went home, I was so tired that I didn't have the energy to grieve much. Today will be tougher because I'm planning to take my first walk on the seawall without her. I would normally have gone in the early morning, but didn't have the heart to face our regular crowd yet. Still, I haven't walked along the seawall without Lil in three years. It'll be strange.

Ophelia has been a little agitated. She keeps looking for her sister every time the door opens, and when she realizes that it's just me, she looks so sad that it breaks my heart even more. She's been really cuddly, I guess as an attempt to comfort me and receive comfort herself. We'll be ok. It'll just take some time.

Lilith at age 14. Food was always the way to her heart :-)