The best tribute to Lilith possible

I'm going to pay homage to Lilith the best way imaginable - by getting another dog. I loved Lilith with all my heart, and it sucks that she's not here anymore, but I loved the time that we spent together so much that I want to do it again, despite the inevitable eventuality of death. The best way for me to honour Lil is to love another dog. Maybe it makes precious little sense, but I think Lil would approve. In fact, I think she'd be proud.

Anyway, my next dog will indeed be a chocolate lab, just like I've always wanted, and his expected date of birth is September 20th, which means I should be able to bring him home some time around November 10th. That should give me plenty of time to adequately grieve Lilith's absence and get ready for a puppy. It'll be a major change of pace, but caring for Lilith in her golden years taught me to be adaptable, so I think I'm up for it. 

I finally settled on a breeder for two main reasons. First, when I checked 3 branches of the SPCA AND every rescue organization I could find online, they had very few dogs, and 80% of the ones they had were pit bulls or pit bull mixes. I think pit bulls are great, and I don't buy into the hype about their violent natures, but I intend to take this dog to my elementary school, and the parents might not understand. If parents complain, the district will most likely side with them, and I don't want the dog to sit at home all day when he could be with me at work. Anyway, I also tried looking for breeders rehoming dogs that had been returned to them for whatever reason, but they were few and far between, and the one I did find had jacked up the price by $400 because he knew how to sit, and was therefore "trained" according to her. Ummm, no. It just didn't seem to be working, and then when I thought about training my future dog to be a therapy dog, I realized the importance of socialization during weeks 8-12, so I concluded that a puppy would be best.  

What the future dog might look like

Who knew?

If you had told me a month ago that someday, I'd do anything for the opportunity to wake up in the middle of the night and carry Lil to the front lawn, I'd have called you crazy. Yet I would give anything to hold her in my arms on the elevator and wait patiently for her to sniff every blade of grass before finally peeing.

Every sunrise offers a new opportunity

This morning wasn't terrible. I didn't spring out of bed ready to party, but I didn't want to die either. I had a snuggle with Ophelia, who is unfortunately still ripping out huge hunks of her fur out of stress and grief, and then went for a walk. It was nice to remember the places where Lilith and I liked to go. I walked near our old apartment, along the paths we used to love, and smiled at each memory tucked between the trees and shrubs. 

Yesterday, I made a memorial powerpoint presentation with all of my favourite photos and anecdotes of Lilith. I'll really enjoy looking at it over the next little while. 

I have a picnic to go to tonight, and it's also been doing me a world of good to do something social every day. Moping is ok for a little while, but it becomes habit forming after a while, and that's dangerous. 

Are you kidding me?

I woke up this morning, fed Ophelia, and then padded over to the fish tank to feed Bubbles, my 4 1/2 year old Betta. I blinked a few times to make sure I wasn't dreaming, but it was true. Bubbles is dead, and with that, I find myself completely immersed in the anger stage of grief. Two pets in one week? Why? And why me? What the bleep have I done wrong lately that suddenly my pets are dropping like flies? Wasn't I sad enough already after having just lost Lilith?

And then comes the fear: Will things happen in threes? Is Ophelia going to die soon? 

I KNOW Bubbles was 4 1/2, and for a species that has a tendency to die when you look at them sideways, that's pretty good, but there was comfort in seeing him swimming around in my kitchen. I loved saying good morning to him, and now, his tank is empty, and just at the time when I needed the comfort of his presence the most. 

I don't know what to think anymore. Right now I'm just a giant raw nerve. I think I'm going to drive to Bellingham today just so I can yell and scream in my car on the way. 

 

Over 48 hours

I woke up this morning, careful where to put my feet in case Lilith was asleep next to the bed, but then I realized that she wasn't ever going to be there again, and that realization made me very sad. I really miss my sweet girl today. I missed her yesterday, too, but today the permanent nature of her death is starting to sink in, and I just wish I could hold her and kiss the top of her head like I used to.

I went for my first real walk without her today. It was ok. It didn't totally suck, but it wasn't nearly as much fun without her. Baby steps...

Thoughts about yesterday

Lilith has been dead for 24 hours, and I'm actually feeling pretty peaceful about the situation. I kind of wish I'd bought some more kleenex yesterday on the way back from the vet, but toilet paper is working just fine. Anyway, although I woke up to an empty doggie bed, didn't have to step gingerly over Lilith en route to the bathroom, and didn't have a dog to kiss awake and take outside for a morning pee, I also didn't have a dog to worry about when she was peeing in case she couldn't support herself with her rear legs. I didn't have a dog to medicate, and I didn't have a dog to watch hobble with difficulty until that medication kicked in and she was able to walk somewhat normally again. I think I did the right thing for Lilith. I loved her so much, and will miss her, but I was able to make it stop hurting for her, and I was brave enough to hold her until the end.

It was hard to watch them put the IV into her leg because she got scared, but I held her in my arms and she was fairly calm and serene when she died. I had done a lot of research on aftercare (like cremation options and the like) so I was prepared for those questions when I was asked, but I wasn't prepared for the IV. I thought it would just be a needle, but the procedure itself caused Lilith stress, and that, in turn, caused me stress. The vet was wonderful, as usual; he even patiently rebandaged her leg after I insisted on taking the IV catheter out (as if it was bothering Lilith or something), and picked her up so gently to take her away. The only thing I would have changed about the experience was the payment method. I wish I'd been able to prepay. It was not fun having people with their dogs in the waiting room while I had to stand there sniffling and trying to sign my name legibly to the credit card slip. I would have liked to just leave afterwards. However, all in all, I think it was the right thing to do, and I'm thankful that I had friends there to support me through the experience.


We went for some soul food after we left the vet's office, and we sat in a park for a little while. After I went home, I was so tired that I didn't have the energy to grieve much. Today will be tougher because I'm planning to take my first walk on the seawall without her. I would normally have gone in the early morning, but didn't have the heart to face our regular crowd yet. Still, I haven't walked along the seawall without Lil in three years. It'll be strange.

Ophelia has been a little agitated. She keeps looking for her sister every time the door opens, and when she realizes that it's just me, she looks so sad that it breaks my heart even more. She's been really cuddly, I guess as an attempt to comfort me and receive comfort herself. We'll be ok. It'll just take some time.

Lilith at age 14. Food was always the way to her heart :-)

 

Lilith is at peace

Lilith is no longer in pain. She died in my arms this afternoon. Thankfully, my friends Chad and Brent were there to help me. I would have been a wreck if I had had to go through it alone. I'll write more about the experience later. I'm exhausted right now, and just want to curl up with my blanket and lie down for a bit.

:`(

I choked my way through the phone call to the vet. We have an appointment at 12:20 today. In less than 4 hours, Lilith will be at peace. She's still just laying on her bed, but I could have sworn that once I hung up with the vet, she said "thank you". My wonderful friend Chad is going to drive us to the vet because I'm in no condition to drive. I've already polished off the entire box of kleenex (it was a small box, mind you), and am going to start on a roll of toilet paper soon. I've been trying to let Lilith rest. She's made no attempt to get up, let alone eat or drink, and I don't want to freak her out with my erratic energy, but I do want one more snuggle.

:-(

Overnight, Lilith's condition has worsened immensely. She passed out during our morning walk, and could barely hold herself upright to pee. It's time. The vet said we had 3-4 months, and I thought we had until the end of August, but the time has come now. In the space of a day, her HHHHHMM score went down to 23. She turned away from her food and hasn't had water since midnight. She's just laying on her bed. I looked into her eyes and asked her if she wanted me to help her die, and her response was pretty obvious. I don't know how I'm going to call the vet to arrange everything, but I have to. Thankfully, I've been mentally preparing for this for quite some time, so after I make the arrangements with the vet, I'm going to send an email to her closest uncles and give them a chance to say good-bye. Then it'll be my turn to say a final good-bye.

"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do." (Eleanor Roosevelt) 

A very sad realization :-(

Lilith's days are numbered, and the numbers are rapidly approaching the single digits. She was doing well on her new meds for a few days, but now, she just isn't anymore. She has trouble walking, and it's obvious. She pants, she stumbles, and she sometimes has trouble standing because her hind legs can barely support her weight. There are a lot of high points, too, but I can no longer justify the situation. She scored 39 on the HHHHHMM scale this week, which is just 4 points above the bare minimum. And really, who cares if she still eats fairly well if she's in constant pain?

And so (inhale, exhale...) I've pretty much decided to opt for euthanasia before the end of this month. I'm going to sit with that decision for a day or two just in case a miracle occurs and Lilith's mobility improves drastically, but I'm not going to hold my breath. Honestly, at this point I'm hoping she dies in her sleep so I don't have to go through with it, but for me, this is the ultimate sacrifice, and I love Lilith enough to do it for her.

I'm going to miss her so much. I don't know how I'm going to cope when she's not there to kiss awake in the morning. Who will I walk along the seawall with? Who will I make liver fudge and peanut butter biscuits for, and whose snoring will lull me to sleep at night? I'll have a collection of cute doggie sweaters and all of her grooming supplies to remind me of her absence (as if I'll need physical clues), but no Lilith. This hurts so much already :-( 

Up and down like a toilet seat

Lilith has been doing really well on her new meds, but this morning, she refused to eat (so her meds didn't make it into her system). She had noticeable trouble walking, and is panting a lot. Her food is down, and I sure hope she eats it really soon. At this point, every time she refuses to eat, I worry (for obvious reasons, I think). Sigh...

Stick thin senior

I weighed Ophelia today, and was a bit shocked to find that she only weighs 7.6 lbs! I'm not terribly concerned, since I did radically alter her diet due to her kidney disease, and she continues to appear healthy and happy. She eats well, and enjoys treats and toothpaste just as much as she always has, but still, that's quite a drop in weight for a cat who was once put on a diet because she weighed 17 lbs! Her most recent weight at the vet was 12 lbs, so she's dropped about 4.5 over the past 7 months. That's a little much. I might try to supplement her diet with something to help her maintain some meat on her bones. She's too tiny at this weight. Note to self: ask the vet what treats I can give her...

In other news, Lilith is doing very well on her new meds, though the recent change of weather did not go over very well with her (she's not a fan of wind). I always make sure to put her jacket on during cooler walks, so hopefully she'll continue to improve. It does my heart a world of good to see her prance along beside me during our walks. 

Happy moments

Lil's new medication seems to be putting quite a lot of pep in her step! She has consistently been able to walk a whole lot more than she used to, and she's loving every minute of it. In fact, she tried to jump out of her buggy three times this morning. I had to tell her to chill out and wait for me to unfasten her buckles. It's so nice to see her so happy and vibrant!

I'm quite enjoying my staycation so far, just typing with Ophelia next to me as I wait for the timer to beep, indicating that my dinner is ready. I'm in the mood to spend the evening sewing, so I think I will. Ophelia loves it when I sew. She likes to purr in harmony with the machine, and she often brushes up against my legs while I'm cutting fabric and feeding it through the machine. Today is a quiet sort of day, what with the rain and mugginess outside. It's a day to just enjoy being at home with the girls :-)

This just about sums up how I plan to spend the rest of the day.

 

Awww: a moment of cuteness

Amidst the difficulties associated with Lilith's decline, there have been some really precious moments. One of my favourite new habit of ours is morning snuggles. She wakes up really slowly these days, and I usually climb onto her doggie bed and pat her until she's wide awake. Yesterday, she was loving the extra snuggles, but didn't want to wake up, so I carried her to the living room where her breakfast was waiting, thinking that would do the trick. It was her favourite: k/d with chicken liver fudge, a side of peanut butter biscuit, and topped with a cod liver oil sauce. And what did she do? Check it out below:

Just five more minutes, ok?

 

Daring to hope

Lilith walked quite a bit yesterday, and really seemed to be enjoying herself on the seawall. I'm cautiously optimistic that her new meds are finally kicking in, and silently cursing myself for nicking her quick while I was cutting her nails today. Now I'm hesitant to take her for a walk just in case dirt gets in her owie. If it looks ok, I'll take her out and just clean it carefully when we get back home. I really want to see if yesterday was just a fluke, or if the meds are actually working. Let me just clarify that I'm not viewing this new improvement as a miracle cure. There is no escaping the fact that Lilith is dying. The vet said he thinks she has 3-4 months tops, but I actually think it will be less somehow. I've been observing very carefully to see if I need to step in and help Lilith with the process, but she still seems pretty happy, and her HHHHHMM score is still in the 40s (it's dropped a bit, but not enough to indicate a horribly low quality of life). As long as she's not in pain, I won't interfere with nature.


In other news, Ophelia has developed the cutest new habit ever! She now crawls underneath the covers and tucks herself in for a nap. I haven't talked much about Princess O lately because her sister has been taking up a lot of my attention, but I'm thrilled to announce that Ophelia is fit and fabulous at 14. She's finally adjusted to her new food, is able to hop up on the bed without the stool for the first time in 2 years (viva glucosamine), and her kidney function is back to normal-ish. Yay!

Such cuteness!