And though she be but little, she is fierce...RIP Ophelia

Ophelia is gone. Her life ended in April, but I haven't had the heart to write about it until now. It was much harder to lose Ophelia than I ever expected. Perhaps it's because she was my constant companion for sixteen years, or perhaps it's because she went downhill so fast that I didn't have the luxury of time to prepare myself emotionally, or perhaps it's because I did nothing to prolong her life and feel guilty because of that. Perhaps it's a combination of all three. Whichever way you slice it, it hurts. To make a long story medium, one night, Ophelia started to meow in the wee hours. Being in denial, I convinced myself it was because we had just moved, even though I suspected otherwise. We had moved before, and Ophelia was never vocal about it. The next day, the situation continued, and it was a sad meow that told me she was in pain. She began having noticeable trouble getting up, and was barely moving. I took her to the vet, and she got sick in the car, as she always did. I got some dirty looks from people in the waiting room, and boy did I throw some back! I glared one particular woman down so long and hard I think I scared her. I just couldn't believe that she couldn't make the connection that sometimes, people take their pets to see a vet because they're SICK! She was holding a puppy, and maybe she'd never had a companion animal before, so had never experienced the loss of one. A little compassion would have been grand, but the vet tech made up for the woman in the waiting room. She was so good to my kitty, making sure she was comfortable, even after she'd been tranquilized and couldn't move or complain. As an aside, the tranquilization was the best thing I could have done for Phe. She would never have tolerated the IV, and it was so much more humane for her this way. I had to wait for the tranquilizer to take effect, which gave me all the time I needed to talk to Phe and tell her how much I'd miss her, and to thank her for being my furry friend. Then it was all over, and I had to go home without her. Thankfully I had my honey with me to help keep me together, and Leo at home to distract me. And still there are moments when I look for her on the couch, or go down the pet aisle at Sueprstore looking for cat litter. We had so many incredible experiences together, and made it through sooooo much stuff. Phe was with me almost half of my life. Sometimes I wonder how I'll possibly be without her, and I often think about what I could have done differently, if anything. Cats are harder to care for than dogs in some ways. Sure, you don't have to take them outside to pee, but when they get old, they don't tolerate car rides to the vet so well, and they don't often take arthritis medication willingly (or keep it down). When illness hits in old age, you realize that their quality of life will be severely impacted by any attempts to prolong life. In my case, Ophelia was already terminally ill, and showing signs of renal failure, so the decision was pretty clear, I guess. I don't know if I'll ever stop missing her. I do know there won't be any more kitties in this house for a while, if ever. Leo's too big and boisterous for a kitty, and he's enough of a commitment. Maybe some other time. I'm so glad I walked into the SPCA that day long ago in November. My Phe was a good friend. I only hope I was worthy of her friendship.

Indoor potties

I don't have many regrets in life, but I am dedicating today's post to one. I wish I had known about indoor dog potties when Lilith was alive. I have two for Leo: one for home and one for work, and he uses them quite successfully (though like all little boys, his aim leaves a bit to be desired from time to time). I got them from ebay for about $25 each because I don't have a private back yard right outside my kitchen door, and with a new puppy, waiting for the elevator and descending ten floors isn't exactly a good plan, especially right after they've eaten. I really wish I had discovered them when I had a senior dog who had trouble holding it while waiting for the elevator. How could I have missed such a cool invention? Next time, I'll be ready. For now, I can only spread the word. 

They're really easy to use. I trained Leo to use them by putting some shavings from his box at the breeder's under the grill. Clean up is a breeze. You just spray them down in the shower! They come with pee pads, but Leo tried to eat them. Besides, hosing them down is just as easy. 

So there you have it, people. Plastic gold. How much grief this would have spared Lilith, and how much sleep and carpet cleaning this would have spared me! Sigh.

Here is the link where I found mine:

http://www.ebay.ca/itm/Dog-Toilet-Color-green-40cm-50cm-UGODOG-INDOOR-DOG-POTTY-TOILET-puppy-training-/130620092330?pt=LH_DefaultDomain_0&hash=item1e69906faa

Those of you with big dogs can try the ugodog, which is basically the same thing, but you can snap two together. http://www.ugodog.net/#

Here's Leo in his playpen at work using his potty as a bed.

 

Will you still need me, will you still feed me, when I'm 64?

Just because I now have a puppy doesn't mean I've forgotten what it's like to look after an older dog. The sleepless nights, incontinence, and general dependency remind me on a regular basis, believe me. I look at Leo and think about how lucky I am that I most likely won't be facing his mortality for over a decade. However, I still hope that at some point down the road, I'm able to adopt another senior dog. The kind of love you get from an older dog is priceless. Someday, I will have that relationship with Leo. I will love him all the days of his life. Maybe someday I'll add an older dog to the mix, too!  

 

This moment of cuteness is brought to you by a good meal :-)

Yum! That was delicious!

Homecoming King

Leo has been home for 24 hours, and is adjusting very well. He's tired, but today, I can sit in another room while he dozes calmly in the kitchen. Speaking of the kitchen, I have blocked it off with a baby gate for him because 85% accuracy with the dog potty isn't quite good enough to let him have free run of the carpeted areas. He's doing very well with the housebreaking, both at home and at school, but the highlight of his day is feeding time. He loves his food. He's turning out to be a fabulous snuggler, and the kids at work love him dearly. I look forward to every day I get with him, and I hope they are plentiful :-)

I'm in love!

 

The time has come, but this time, it's good news!

The boy in the blue collar, henceforth known as Leo, gets to come home tomorrow! I'm terrified, but elated. We're ready. Well, as ready as we'll ever be, and will take each day as it comes.

Leo is the one on the left. Here he is sitting calmly while his sister chews on his ear.

Happy birthday, Lilith

Lilith would have been 17 today. Every day I had with her was a blessing, and I am so thankful. Happy birthday, little friend. I love you. 

 

Changes

I'm able to think of Lilith and smile now. I still miss her, but I can look at her pictures and blow kisses at them without crying now. Ophelia has stopped meowing at the door every time I come in, but I think she's still kind of lonely, and would like a furry friend. 

I got to meet the puppies a couple of weeks ago, and will get to see them again soon. There's one in particular that stole my heart, and since I get second pick of the litter, the odds are good that he'll be able to come home with us. I'm so excited, but really scared, too. I've never been responsible for a puppy. I've had them, but as a child, so it doesn't really count. My mom isn't even alive for me to ask advice, so I'll have to muddle through as best I can. 

The puppies at 2 weeks old

I've got a puppy kindergarten program picked out, and just bought a lock for the garbage can today. I've read everything I could get my hands on about raising puppies, and now, all that's left is to live it. Just like caring for a senior pet, I'm sure there will be curveballs, but if I learned anything from Lilith, it's that I'm stronger than I ever thought possible, and I can adapt when necessary. Wish us luck!

The purpose of a dog

A friend of mine forwarded this to me, and I had to share because it's utterly perfect:

 

Being a veterinarian, I had been called to examine a ten-year-old Irish Wolfhound named Belker. The dog’s owners, Ron, his wife Lisa , and their little boy Shane, were all very attached to Belker, and they were hoping for a miracle.  I examined Belker and found he was dying of cancer. I told the family we couldn’t do anything for Belker, and offered to perform the euthanasia procedure for the old dog in their home.

As we made arrangements, Ron and Lisa told me they thought it would be good for six-year-old Shane to observe the procedure. They felt as though Shane might learn something from the experience.The next day, I felt the familiar catch in my throat as Belker ‘s family surrounded him. Shane seemed so calm, petting the old dog for the last time, that I wondered if he understood what was going on. Within a few minutes, Belker slipped peacefully away. The little boy seemed to accept Belker’s transition without any difficulty or confusion. We sat together for a while after Belker’s death, wondering aloud about the sad fact that animal lives are shorter than human lives.
Shane, who had been listening quietly, piped up, ”I know why.” Startled, we all turned to him. What came out of his mouth next stunned me. I’d never heard a more comforting explanation. It has changed the way I try and live.
He said,”People are born so that they can learn how to live a good life — like loving everybody all the time and being nice, right?” The Six-year-old continued, "Well, dogs already know how to do that, so they don’t have to stay as long."

Nuff said.

P.S. I found a source online. It's not the original, but it's better than nothing:
http://bayintegratedmarketing.wordpress.com/2012/03/18/a-dogs-purpose-from-a-6-year-old/ 

Grandma O

Our puppy was born on Monday, which means that in less than eight weeks, Ophelia will be an adoptive grandma! I think she'll enjoy having a little pup around. She's such a cuddler that as long as the puppy doesn't attempt to entice her into play, they'll get along just fine...I hope. It remains to be seen, but I'm optimistic. 

It'll be quite a change of pace from having a senior dog to having a puppy. Some of it will be the same though, such as the nocturnal potty excursions and the sleeping on the floor in case he needs comfort, the special food, frequent trips to the vet for immunizations and whatnot, etc. The main difference is that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. No, not THAT kind of light. In a few weeks, he'll be able to make it through the night, and then we'll be able to go on long walks and play fetch. Yay! I'm so excited!! 

The puppy's senior years are far away, but when they come, I'll love him right through them. By that time, I hope the good people at dogquality.com have a dog stroller suitable for large breeds, hint hint...

Our puppy is in here somewhere :-)

Things are looking up

Ophelia has started gaining weight again. I think she was stressed about losing Lilith. She tested negative for hyperthyroidism, and her xrays showed no signs of lymphoma, so we changed her food back to kibble and decided to wait and see. She just weighed in at 10 lbs, and I hope this trend continues. She looks much better with a little fat on her bones, though she still needs a bit more. 
 

Oh no...

Ophelia's lost a lot of weight lately, so I took her to the vet. They tested for thyroid problems and a worsening of her already present kidney disease, but those values came back normal. During her exam, the vet said her abdomen felt odd, and he was concerned about the possible presence of lymphoma, so today, we're going in for an x-ray. If she's got lymphoma, the prognosis is really grim. We're talking 4-6 weeks. I don't understand because she isn't acting sick, but my mother died of lymphoma, and she acted fine for quite some time, too. They could do surgery to remove the mass, followed by chemotherapy. However, at 15 1/2, I'm not going to put Ophelia through either. The writing is on the wall, and I can't believe how cruel a fate this is, especially so soon after Lilith's death. Ophelia and I have been together since she was about 6 months old. I have shared my pillow with her for 15 years! I've pulled her toothbrush out along with mine every morning, and haven't had an empty lap in a decade and a half. I haven't had to walk into an empty house after work in so long that I just don't know how I'll cope.

The best tribute to Lilith possible

I'm going to pay homage to Lilith the best way imaginable - by getting another dog. I loved Lilith with all my heart, and it sucks that she's not here anymore, but I loved the time that we spent together so much that I want to do it again, despite the inevitable eventuality of death. The best way for me to honour Lil is to love another dog. Maybe it makes precious little sense, but I think Lil would approve. In fact, I think she'd be proud.

Anyway, my next dog will indeed be a chocolate lab, just like I've always wanted, and his expected date of birth is September 20th, which means I should be able to bring him home some time around November 10th. That should give me plenty of time to adequately grieve Lilith's absence and get ready for a puppy. It'll be a major change of pace, but caring for Lilith in her golden years taught me to be adaptable, so I think I'm up for it. 

I finally settled on a breeder for two main reasons. First, when I checked 3 branches of the SPCA AND every rescue organization I could find online, they had very few dogs, and 80% of the ones they had were pit bulls or pit bull mixes. I think pit bulls are great, and I don't buy into the hype about their violent natures, but I intend to take this dog to my elementary school, and the parents might not understand. If parents complain, the district will most likely side with them, and I don't want the dog to sit at home all day when he could be with me at work. Anyway, I also tried looking for breeders rehoming dogs that had been returned to them for whatever reason, but they were few and far between, and the one I did find had jacked up the price by $400 because he knew how to sit, and was therefore "trained" according to her. Ummm, no. It just didn't seem to be working, and then when I thought about training my future dog to be a therapy dog, I realized the importance of socialization during weeks 8-12, so I concluded that a puppy would be best.  

What the future dog might look like

Who knew?

If you had told me a month ago that someday, I'd do anything for the opportunity to wake up in the middle of the night and carry Lil to the front lawn, I'd have called you crazy. Yet I would give anything to hold her in my arms on the elevator and wait patiently for her to sniff every blade of grass before finally peeing.

Every sunrise offers a new opportunity

This morning wasn't terrible. I didn't spring out of bed ready to party, but I didn't want to die either. I had a snuggle with Ophelia, who is unfortunately still ripping out huge hunks of her fur out of stress and grief, and then went for a walk. It was nice to remember the places where Lilith and I liked to go. I walked near our old apartment, along the paths we used to love, and smiled at each memory tucked between the trees and shrubs. 

Yesterday, I made a memorial powerpoint presentation with all of my favourite photos and anecdotes of Lilith. I'll really enjoy looking at it over the next little while. 

I have a picnic to go to tonight, and it's also been doing me a world of good to do something social every day. Moping is ok for a little while, but it becomes habit forming after a while, and that's dangerous. 

Are you kidding me?

I woke up this morning, fed Ophelia, and then padded over to the fish tank to feed Bubbles, my 4 1/2 year old Betta. I blinked a few times to make sure I wasn't dreaming, but it was true. Bubbles is dead, and with that, I find myself completely immersed in the anger stage of grief. Two pets in one week? Why? And why me? What the bleep have I done wrong lately that suddenly my pets are dropping like flies? Wasn't I sad enough already after having just lost Lilith?

And then comes the fear: Will things happen in threes? Is Ophelia going to die soon? 

I KNOW Bubbles was 4 1/2, and for a species that has a tendency to die when you look at them sideways, that's pretty good, but there was comfort in seeing him swimming around in my kitchen. I loved saying good morning to him, and now, his tank is empty, and just at the time when I needed the comfort of his presence the most. 

I don't know what to think anymore. Right now I'm just a giant raw nerve. I think I'm going to drive to Bellingham today just so I can yell and scream in my car on the way. 

 

Over 48 hours

I woke up this morning, careful where to put my feet in case Lilith was asleep next to the bed, but then I realized that she wasn't ever going to be there again, and that realization made me very sad. I really miss my sweet girl today. I missed her yesterday, too, but today the permanent nature of her death is starting to sink in, and I just wish I could hold her and kiss the top of her head like I used to.

I went for my first real walk without her today. It was ok. It didn't totally suck, but it wasn't nearly as much fun without her. Baby steps...

Thoughts about yesterday

Lilith has been dead for 24 hours, and I'm actually feeling pretty peaceful about the situation. I kind of wish I'd bought some more kleenex yesterday on the way back from the vet, but toilet paper is working just fine. Anyway, although I woke up to an empty doggie bed, didn't have to step gingerly over Lilith en route to the bathroom, and didn't have a dog to kiss awake and take outside for a morning pee, I also didn't have a dog to worry about when she was peeing in case she couldn't support herself with her rear legs. I didn't have a dog to medicate, and I didn't have a dog to watch hobble with difficulty until that medication kicked in and she was able to walk somewhat normally again. I think I did the right thing for Lilith. I loved her so much, and will miss her, but I was able to make it stop hurting for her, and I was brave enough to hold her until the end.

It was hard to watch them put the IV into her leg because she got scared, but I held her in my arms and she was fairly calm and serene when she died. I had done a lot of research on aftercare (like cremation options and the like) so I was prepared for those questions when I was asked, but I wasn't prepared for the IV. I thought it would just be a needle, but the procedure itself caused Lilith stress, and that, in turn, caused me stress. The vet was wonderful, as usual; he even patiently rebandaged her leg after I insisted on taking the IV catheter out (as if it was bothering Lilith or something), and picked her up so gently to take her away. The only thing I would have changed about the experience was the payment method. I wish I'd been able to prepay. It was not fun having people with their dogs in the waiting room while I had to stand there sniffling and trying to sign my name legibly to the credit card slip. I would have liked to just leave afterwards. However, all in all, I think it was the right thing to do, and I'm thankful that I had friends there to support me through the experience.


We went for some soul food after we left the vet's office, and we sat in a park for a little while. After I went home, I was so tired that I didn't have the energy to grieve much. Today will be tougher because I'm planning to take my first walk on the seawall without her. I would normally have gone in the early morning, but didn't have the heart to face our regular crowd yet. Still, I haven't walked along the seawall without Lil in three years. It'll be strange.

Ophelia has been a little agitated. She keeps looking for her sister every time the door opens, and when she realizes that it's just me, she looks so sad that it breaks my heart even more. She's been really cuddly, I guess as an attempt to comfort me and receive comfort herself. We'll be ok. It'll just take some time.

Lilith at age 14. Food was always the way to her heart :-)

 

Lilith is at peace

Lilith is no longer in pain. She died in my arms this afternoon. Thankfully, my friends Chad and Brent were there to help me. I would have been a wreck if I had had to go through it alone. I'll write more about the experience later. I'm exhausted right now, and just want to curl up with my blanket and lie down for a bit.

:`(

I choked my way through the phone call to the vet. We have an appointment at 12:20 today. In less than 4 hours, Lilith will be at peace. She's still just laying on her bed, but I could have sworn that once I hung up with the vet, she said "thank you". My wonderful friend Chad is going to drive us to the vet because I'm in no condition to drive. I've already polished off the entire box of kleenex (it was a small box, mind you), and am going to start on a roll of toilet paper soon. I've been trying to let Lilith rest. She's made no attempt to get up, let alone eat or drink, and I don't want to freak her out with my erratic energy, but I do want one more snuggle.