:-(

Overnight, Lilith's condition has worsened immensely. She passed out during our morning walk, and could barely hold herself upright to pee. It's time. The vet said we had 3-4 months, and I thought we had until the end of August, but the time has come now. In the space of a day, her HHHHHMM score went down to 23. She turned away from her food and hasn't had water since midnight. She's just laying on her bed. I looked into her eyes and asked her if she wanted me to help her die, and her response was pretty obvious. I don't know how I'm going to call the vet to arrange everything, but I have to. Thankfully, I've been mentally preparing for this for quite some time, so after I make the arrangements with the vet, I'm going to send an email to her closest uncles and give them a chance to say good-bye. Then it'll be my turn to say a final good-bye.

"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do." (Eleanor Roosevelt) 

A very sad realization :-(

Lilith's days are numbered, and the numbers are rapidly approaching the single digits. She was doing well on her new meds for a few days, but now, she just isn't anymore. She has trouble walking, and it's obvious. She pants, she stumbles, and she sometimes has trouble standing because her hind legs can barely support her weight. There are a lot of high points, too, but I can no longer justify the situation. She scored 39 on the HHHHHMM scale this week, which is just 4 points above the bare minimum. And really, who cares if she still eats fairly well if she's in constant pain?

And so (inhale, exhale...) I've pretty much decided to opt for euthanasia before the end of this month. I'm going to sit with that decision for a day or two just in case a miracle occurs and Lilith's mobility improves drastically, but I'm not going to hold my breath. Honestly, at this point I'm hoping she dies in her sleep so I don't have to go through with it, but for me, this is the ultimate sacrifice, and I love Lilith enough to do it for her.

I'm going to miss her so much. I don't know how I'm going to cope when she's not there to kiss awake in the morning. Who will I walk along the seawall with? Who will I make liver fudge and peanut butter biscuits for, and whose snoring will lull me to sleep at night? I'll have a collection of cute doggie sweaters and all of her grooming supplies to remind me of her absence (as if I'll need physical clues), but no Lilith. This hurts so much already :-( 

Up and down like a toilet seat

Lilith has been doing really well on her new meds, but this morning, she refused to eat (so her meds didn't make it into her system). She had noticeable trouble walking, and is panting a lot. Her food is down, and I sure hope she eats it really soon. At this point, every time she refuses to eat, I worry (for obvious reasons, I think). Sigh...

Stick thin senior

I weighed Ophelia today, and was a bit shocked to find that she only weighs 7.6 lbs! I'm not terribly concerned, since I did radically alter her diet due to her kidney disease, and she continues to appear healthy and happy. She eats well, and enjoys treats and toothpaste just as much as she always has, but still, that's quite a drop in weight for a cat who was once put on a diet because she weighed 17 lbs! Her most recent weight at the vet was 12 lbs, so she's dropped about 4.5 over the past 7 months. That's a little much. I might try to supplement her diet with something to help her maintain some meat on her bones. She's too tiny at this weight. Note to self: ask the vet what treats I can give her...

In other news, Lilith is doing very well on her new meds, though the recent change of weather did not go over very well with her (she's not a fan of wind). I always make sure to put her jacket on during cooler walks, so hopefully she'll continue to improve. It does my heart a world of good to see her prance along beside me during our walks. 

Happy moments

Lil's new medication seems to be putting quite a lot of pep in her step! She has consistently been able to walk a whole lot more than she used to, and she's loving every minute of it. In fact, she tried to jump out of her buggy three times this morning. I had to tell her to chill out and wait for me to unfasten her buckles. It's so nice to see her so happy and vibrant!

I'm quite enjoying my staycation so far, just typing with Ophelia next to me as I wait for the timer to beep, indicating that my dinner is ready. I'm in the mood to spend the evening sewing, so I think I will. Ophelia loves it when I sew. She likes to purr in harmony with the machine, and she often brushes up against my legs while I'm cutting fabric and feeding it through the machine. Today is a quiet sort of day, what with the rain and mugginess outside. It's a day to just enjoy being at home with the girls :-)

This just about sums up how I plan to spend the rest of the day.

 

Awww: a moment of cuteness

Amidst the difficulties associated with Lilith's decline, there have been some really precious moments. One of my favourite new habit of ours is morning snuggles. She wakes up really slowly these days, and I usually climb onto her doggie bed and pat her until she's wide awake. Yesterday, she was loving the extra snuggles, but didn't want to wake up, so I carried her to the living room where her breakfast was waiting, thinking that would do the trick. It was her favourite: k/d with chicken liver fudge, a side of peanut butter biscuit, and topped with a cod liver oil sauce. And what did she do? Check it out below:

Just five more minutes, ok?

 

Daring to hope

Lilith walked quite a bit yesterday, and really seemed to be enjoying herself on the seawall. I'm cautiously optimistic that her new meds are finally kicking in, and silently cursing myself for nicking her quick while I was cutting her nails today. Now I'm hesitant to take her for a walk just in case dirt gets in her owie. If it looks ok, I'll take her out and just clean it carefully when we get back home. I really want to see if yesterday was just a fluke, or if the meds are actually working. Let me just clarify that I'm not viewing this new improvement as a miracle cure. There is no escaping the fact that Lilith is dying. The vet said he thinks she has 3-4 months tops, but I actually think it will be less somehow. I've been observing very carefully to see if I need to step in and help Lilith with the process, but she still seems pretty happy, and her HHHHHMM score is still in the 40s (it's dropped a bit, but not enough to indicate a horribly low quality of life). As long as she's not in pain, I won't interfere with nature.


In other news, Ophelia has developed the cutest new habit ever! She now crawls underneath the covers and tucks herself in for a nap. I haven't talked much about Princess O lately because her sister has been taking up a lot of my attention, but I'm thrilled to announce that Ophelia is fit and fabulous at 14. She's finally adjusted to her new food, is able to hop up on the bed without the stool for the first time in 2 years (viva glucosamine), and her kidney function is back to normal-ish. Yay!

Such cuteness!